The Defeated Soul
Never before was my life so painful
Never before was my life so unbearable
Never before...
Until that fateful day
When you walked into my life,
My days brightened up, my sun smiled
The sweet melody of cheerfulness filled up my life
From the yonder skies,
You walked in
Filling my empty life with some hope
With some warmth
With love
Promising, that you’ll stay close to me for eternity
Eternity, a word whose meaning I never really understood
You walked away
Ripping away my heart, my happiness,
My smile
But enough time to repent,
Repent why I ever did let you inside my life
Now, I’m alone...
All alone, because I threw away my friends,
So that I could spend my time with you alone...
Because I threw away souls which truly loved me,
So that I could spend my time with you alone...
The blame is on me
For having destroyed my own progress and my own life
There you are, happy as you can be,
Like a vulture looking out for innocent preys
If I ever have a chance to rewrite my life,
Would I go back to set things straight with you?
Or would I go back to skip your part in my life?
I really don’t know...
But as ever, I’ll sit and brood, and get myself depressed,
Because
You walked away
Ripping away my heart, my happiness,
My smile
Never before was my life so painful
Never before was my life so unbearable
Never before...
-
Jk
Where Ethics Matter…
1. Don’t steal
2. Don’t lie
3. Don’t cheat
What were your first lessons in school? Mathematics? English? No..
Moral Science. Although this subject did not have much value on the academic side, it was still part of the Indian curriculum and given much value to. Being a boy brought up in orthodox Hindu customs and practices, I was taught to give a great deal of stress to ethics, be it to someone we like or not. And till a few months ago, I lived an imaginary life, where in I believed whatever people say was truth and whatever they did was for the good of the rest. But some one pricked this bubble.
I was now brought to reality, where the new lessons are:
Kill the whole world if you’ve to live, lie all you can to put up an attractive image of yourself, your inner self doesn’t matter what matters is your outward appearance, if it means you’ve to be two-faced, do it…
I have specifically three instances of my life in my recent past, where I’ve seen the true colors of people. Quoting those instances wont help because you are not aware of the context of the issues. Although the core matter remains the same, if someone says “True” as an answer to your question, the same person gives an answer “False” to the same question posed by someone else.
The core foundation of ethics have been compromised, people live two-faced lives where
1. one face is your friend, lover, well-wisher
2. and the other one is your betrayer, one which sells you out once an attractive price is made
Why? May be because I ventured into the other side of the people, do these seem to bother me. During the times when I never knew such things could happen, these people seemed sweet. Now when I’ve known that they say and do things to make them self happy, it really pains to continue a relationship.
The whole framework of unconditional love for one another has fallen apart. The very foundation the world was built upon has started to shake. Not long before, everyone starts discovering their “Loved ones” true face. Now I that I’m doubtful of the integrity of the people around me, my life now has become meaningless.
So, do you still trust your Loved one? Then don’t go behind his/her back testing their integrity. have trust in them else you’ll ruin your own life.
Next time when you put up a smile, let it be from your heart, if it’s not from your heart then let it be a frown don’t fake smile.
PS: Although I ranted so long about ethics, I went around through unethical means to know the horrifying truths. Which now I regret why I ever did find the truth out?
Love,
Jk...Labels: betray, ethics, lone, two-face
The reason for my downfall…
I saw my destination right from where I was standing
Everything was clear
As I took my first steps forwards, a sense of overwhelming enthusiasm took over me
I was so happy to have a soulful journey like that
A sense of commitment and dedication filled the insides of my heart and mind
To work on something so meaningful and full filling was what I was looking for all my life
And when I found such a thing I was just glad that I did
The first few steps were perfect
I was greeted all the way
Then came a time were the path was full of thorns and stones
Hurt, limping, I went forward
So proud to have overcome difficulties, I failed to see that those weren’t the real ones
Swayed by enormous pride, my vision faltered
My sight fell on the roadside restaurant, restaurant of silly pleasures
I went in for light refreshment, but instead I ended up having a whole dinner for an hour
Realized I was late for my destination, I burst out, cursing my irresponsible mind
Just to see a bad storm developing
The wind, the rain, the lightning, thunder…
I still moved forward
For a second there, I just thought about having a nap before straining myself any further
Which I will regret for my entire life
I took refuge in the motel of Love
Which promised me a lifetime of rent-free stay
Days became months
Suddenly one fine day, the motel owner started demanding me rent for all the months of stay
Betrayed, fooled,
I paid her with all the money I had with me
I lost all my money, precious time which could’ve been used to help me reach my destination
But when I came out of the motel,
I was so depressed to see that
I failed my mission
I lost all that I was once proud of.
And even more depressing was the fact that,
The reason for my downfall… was ME!
Everyman Gets what he deserves.. Not what he desires
Cya then
Love
Jk
The Day(s) that was (were) not meant to be!
The Ending note of the last post was “Exams have a cunning way of out-witting me, they hit on the areas where I have less or no expertise”. This was indeed true for the last three days. The papers which I thought would be easier, turned out to be messy and the difficult ones? Even messier!
From my experience, I’d say, the days when you have the most works, would be the days of most distractions. As like any other time, I had too many things in my mind and failed to put my 100% for the exams. However I had a little confidence in me, that I could handle the exams and that I knew at least what was necessary to get me a decent score.
But fate willed otherwise and the three days was yet another rollercoaster!
Day 1: The day that began with Security and Coding.
“Security? That’s just plain old math dude. Do you still need
to study how to find prime numbers?”
That’s what I told my pals when they were busy with their books.
( I was even successful in persuading them away from their books, Kudos, a pat on my back!) I touched on a few aspects of the subject and left the details on the way. I Never really bothered to go into the details. But the moment I got the questionnaire in my hand, I noticed, how cruel the fate is. 50% of what was on it was termed by me as “Unnecessary and Not really an area to test students on”.
Out of the rest 25% was what I had studied well, although I struggled a bit on that area too to get some of them correct.
And the last 25%? Those were the areas termed as “practically important” and I could not even make the question correct, let alone find the suitable concept and solve it.
The Next one, the Intimidating coding Techniques, or is it, Information coding Techniques?
That was another pain in the neck. I Hardly knew 90% of the question paper. I turned the questionnaire once in every five minutes and it took the first 40 minutes of the exam time for me to write my first alphabet on the answer sheet. Exasperated, I burst myself out of the exam hall, as soon as the final bell completed it’s last chord. Thus ended day 1. Phew., only two more to go!
Day 2: The day after the beginning of Late night phone calls.
Just the night before the exams, I received a phone call. My Old pal. Such a good friend, and an even more good and friendly chatterbox. She called me by the night, the only time when I sit with my books, and we ended up ranting till 1 in the night. Thus was the end of my next day-exam preparation.
The next day, I hadn’t much opportunity to study anything. It was management paper and an Intelligence paper. The former was a dry paper with some concepts and the later was purely a conceptual paper which required 100% preparation and 100% thinking (Yeah, that makes 200%!)
Surprisingly, I did well in both! (In my terms, it means, I had something to write in both of them!) And the rest of the test takers, found the former an easy piece and the latter, the toughest one to crack. But I was happy just to have had written something at least.
By the day end, One of my friends got into trouble and I ended up solving his problems. It was totally off the guard, but I couldn’t do anything else other than helping him. Thus ended day 2, with the call from my friend by midnight!
Day 3: The much anticipated Areas-of-Interest.
Hurray, the last two was what I liked the most and I really did them well!
So... All I have to do now is to take some time off and wait for the results!
Cya Then,
Love,
Jk
Labels: Exams, Study, Subject
Exams Revisited
The glories of conquering my last semester exams were short-lived. Because, they’ve started to haunt me once again. My Mid-semester Exams are due from tomorrow and what’s worse, I’ve six papers this time, and I still don’t even have a clue what’s in them!
The three days goes on like a festival in my university, hostellers staying up till 3AM, 4AM drowning themselves in endless cups of tea and coffee. I just spent a 200 Rupees on the Photostat copies, which made me repent, if only I had been to the library a bit earlier, now that all the good books are taken.
I had a good three days of a mini-vacation which I wiled away happily, watching movies, roaming around the cities having a merry time. And now when I sit with books in my hands, it’s all greek and latin and I’m starting to panic! (And I still can’t believe, I’m typing a blog entry amongst all this, lol)
Six papers to go, three days of horror and less than 15 hours for the first torment! What do I do? I took a moment’s break. Waited for a hot steaming mug of coffee, and started to think! How to handle these three days? Completely lost, I came back to my workplace, having emptied the mug. I looked at the Photostat copies, fresh from the machine! I went through the text for a while, nothing made sense! I couldn’t even recall if I listened to these in class, No! But I was regular to the class, although the text and the class notes seemed so disconnected.
I took my mobile, and I quickly sent an SMS to my pal,
“Heylo! Wat the hell, I can’t recall if the lecturer EVER took chapter 10 in the text!”
Pang came his reply,
“Dude! We never even crossed chapter 3 in the Text, Chapter 10 is way out of our exam portions!”
Omigosh! The few hours I spend before the exams, goes unnecessary like this. (I Really wished if they could include chapter 10 for my sake! ;)) (And not to mention the 25Rs loss on the inappropriate photostat :()
So, this is why people say,”At least get the portions for the exams correctly!” ;)
And now here goes, I start from the beginning!
With such a start span of time (little of which can be attributed to my laziness:)), It seemed like a run for my life! And god, this is just the day before the first two exams, and who knows how horrible the other exams are going to turn out to be! Either way, the exams have a cunning way of out-witting me, they hit on the areas where I have less or no expertise. So, let me try my best to go through these three days.
And I’ll get back to you at the end of day 1!
Cya then,
Love Jk.Labels: Academia, Exams, Horror, Study, Subject
The One after a Very Long Time!
A Long overdue Apology!
Almost three-quarters of a year since my last post. Soaking desperation, Oft-changing luck, drowning sea of work, highly unstable relationships, gliding moments of horrific problems… The whole three-quarters have been quite eventful. So, to succeed, does one really have to sacrifice everything he/she loves? I just found an answer to that. It’s that the things that he loves that really help him to succeed. And I apologize to all those critics, and friends, who read my blog, commented on them, for staying inactive for such a long time forgetting my beloved blog!
But the silver lining is, I went through such an eventful time, that I’ve so much locked up emotions, news, information, to share with my fellow bloggers, that I’ll be blogging quite actively from now. Honestly, my blog wasn’t famous enough to attract many readers, so that was yet another reason that pulled me back on to the inactive side. Ho ho ho! So, now that I understood that big reason, I’ve planned to work upon the popularity of the blog, the content, and most of all – Style!
Fellow blogger-friends, who so far, have been reading my blog, waiting for my blog post, Thanks a million! It is because of you that I’ve started blogging again. Just a single smile(y) of appreciation goes a long way, and it did! I Promise you, never again, will I pause my blogging! After all, you people, who never at all have seen me, have been spending your precious time to read my blog and a little more to comment on it.
And by the way, my last eight months wasn’t all depressing as it sounds! I did have some big moments too back then. I got a job, after three rejections, and which also accompanied a few tears of gratification. I went through a wonderful relationship for three months (which did have a sad ending though), found how true my friends were, and moreover what friendship was all about! So many responsibilities came my way, which I shouldered happily, and performed my duties to my heart’s content.
I think you now get at least a small picture of how my life went so far…
Apart from all the regular stuff, Life’s just plain cool!
PS: Thanks to the really cool MS-Office 2007 for all the handy formatting tools!
Cya Then,
Love,
Jk!
Requesting Backup!
Isn’t it ironical, whenever you want to be surrounded by people you are left alone and whenever you want to be left alone you are surrounded by people (much to your annoyance)?
I’ve been through both these scenarios. But as far as I can recollect it’s the first situation that is tough to live out. It’s like this, I've had a few good friends but none stay with me when I want them the most. No, don’t take me wrong, not that out of any misunderstanding, they are still good friends but you see, it so happens that they get separated out( and moreover there are problems which you can’t open up even to your closest pals). And I stand alone… all alone…
I feel like bursting out all my feelings, fears to someone but in vain. I end up pacifying myself. Often you wish there would be someone who’d give you a plausible solution to your problems and support during your hard times. But it never happens. So, you reach out to people and ask their guidance. As I know one of the following happens: they get your situation wrong, they think your problem is silly, or they just don’t care for you.
And many a times, I’ve experienced those things and I just say to myself, “they’re just like everyone else...” From my personal encounters, I dare say, don’t confide in anyone else than you, unless you’re pretty confident in that person. It’s a pity I never found such a soul. There were times when I couldn’t explain myself to my closest pals.
So, there goes, I never got a problem solver and I could never ask out to my friends. Eventually, I moved alone. Once when I started with my college, I was very much excited about new friends. It was like this at the beginning: you see a bunch of happy guys, I’d be at the centre of it. But later as time went on , I got alone. It was tough at the beginning. You have to rely completely on you. And it was pretty new to me. I kinda learned those things. So., I thought just could manage myself alone without company.
But when I look back to see my past, I just see the happy-bubbly-cheerful me lost away in time, drenched in a sea of silly problems (which had a simple way of solving it) I try a lot to stay cheerful, but one thing about depression is you feel good when you stay depressed and alone. May be, staying alone was the reason. It’s not that it happens eventually, it’s that you move yourself away from your surroundings.
Life has a unique way of teaching, through experiences. I learnt it the hard way. Now I know, what should be shared, what should be kept within myself, how much personal space you should have. Whenever I feel down due to a problem, I just ring up my pals and get ready for a football match, rather than asking them for a solution. The game didn’t solve my problem, but at least it helped me forget it for a good one hour.
These are just my ramblings. I don’t know if it made any sense to you. If you are/were a loner, certainly it would’ve made some sense, else, just read it for the pleasure of it. Its just my transition from a social guy to a loner and back to a social guy. These were what I exactly felt when I faced these situations.
What am I trying to say? Solitude is not a solution. If people can’t solve your problem, it certainly doesn’t mean it is doesn’t have a solution.
whatever be your problem is, the best bet would be to forget it.
Don’t make a silly problem spoil your day. Just move along, there’s happiness around the corner!!!
Labels: lone, rambling, solitude
